In terms of anxiety, the number of “bad days” I’m having lately is lower; but the amount of frustration I feel on these “bad days” is greater than it was before. Once you start to make some improvements in your life and see what is possible on a “good day” it can become extremely frustrating that you are not able to achieve that state of mind all the time. Furthermore, tacking a huge problem like social anxiety can be daunting because there are so many facets to work on. For example, after two months of public speaking classes I am getting much more comfortable at giving formal presentations in front of a group of people. But I still feel that in social situations in general my conversational skills are lacking. I still get nervous talking to my boss. I still feel like I have trouble making new friends. I wish I was more comfortable talking to women, and so on and so on.

But change is a long, slow process. Reprogramming the mind after a lifetime of negative thinking is not going to happen overnight. As I have written on this blog before, I think the key to staying on track when you start feeling such frustrations is having a concrete plan that you can stick to, and realizing that small actions taken consistently over time have the potential to create huge results in the longer term.

Another useful approach for me has been to consider the nature of learning in general. According to George Leonard, the aikido master and author of “Mastery”, learning any new skill in life involves relatively brief spurts of progress, each of which is followed by a slight decline to a plateau that is somewhat higher than the one preceeding it. On the path to mastery, “you have to be willing to spend most of your time on a plateau, to keep practicing even when you seem to be getting nowhere,” he says.

I will keep practicing, for as long as it takes…

- meet a wonderful person who is also an introverted type and fall madly in love
- spend more and more time with that person and start neglecting other important things like friends, family, staying fit, working on my social anxiety, etc
- start to feel more and more anxious in social situations because I am spending too much time at home with my partner
- fail to explain to my partner how i am feeling and how important it is to get out more and challenge myself socially
- commit to moving in with my partner even though i have gnawing doubts in the back of my mind about the relationship
- this compounds all of the problems above and again I fail to properly communicate
- despite the fact that most of these problems are of my own creation, start to withdraw emotionally from my partner and feel increasingly confused
- eventually, break up with my partner, causing her extreme pain and confusion

There is obviously a problem here. Firstly, because of my social anxiety, in the past I have tended to date girls who are also a little withdrawn and shy. Now, there is nothing wrong with this, and in fact, it may even be appropriate. But one problem here is that I am self-selecting people who will not be pushing me to challenge myself socially, reinforcing my own excuses for inaction.

Secondly, because of my lack of social confidence and communication skills, when I started to feel doubts about relationships, I have tended to stay quiet and hope that things will just get better on their own, often with disastrous consequences.

I’m not saying that people with social anxiety cannot have very fulfilling and successful relationships. But in my experience it is very tricky. One of my goals this year is to really get out a lot more and expand my social circle and the variety of activities I am engaging in. Not until I am truly happy that I have made some progress on this front will I be ready to enter a relationship again.

Because as they say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

This is one of my favorite quotes lately. How many of us fail to achieve our goals simply because we fail to consistently show up? I was speaking to a personal trainer at the gym the other day who was telling me about the surge of new members they get each January. Many of these people make New Years resolutions to get fit, and after an initial burst of enthusiasm that lasts a few weeks, they suddenly stop showing up. Many continue to pay their memberships for a few months before dropping out completely. I laughed when he told me this, but on reflection, realized that this is a pattern I’ve fallen into myself many times in the past.

I recently joined the gym again after about 6 months of absence. I know that I’ve had severe trouble in the past getting motivated to come in. There’s always an excuse. It’s freezing cold, I have a hangover, I didn’t get enough sleep, or I just don’t feel like it. For this reason I have hired a personal trainer who I’m meeting once a week. He has me on a plan, and I’ve committed to coming in before work on Monday, Wednesday and Friday every week. I’ve blocked out those times on my calendar. Just three sessions a week is a very manageable goal and it’s a nonnegotiable appointment that I simply must keep. I’ve kept it up for three weeks now and it’s getting a little easier every time. When I wake up at 6am I never feel like getting up and going. But I know that I will feel better when it’s over. My commitment to myself is simply to show up. If I’m feeling a little sick or tired that day, I give myself the permission to do a light session. But the important thing is that I just show up. This way, I cannot possibly fail. Already, after just a few weeks, I can feel myself getting stronger.

So how can we apply all of this to social anxiety?
Well, how many of us have ever read books about overcoming social anxiety but failed to do the goal setting and exercises recommended? Or gone to therapy but failed to consistently complete your homework assignments? Or signed up for Toastmasters but dropped out after just one or two classes because the anxiety was too great? I know I have. But this time I’m determined to follow through. I signed up for a public speaking class at the end of last year and paid in advance for 10 sessions. Since they have two classes a week, I’ve decided to go twice a week to double the exposure. I’ve already gone 5 times. Like the gym, the first few times were painful. I still get butterflies in my stomach before the class, but it’s already getting just a little bit easier. There are 100 things I would rather be doing than attending this class. But I’ve decided that I’m going to attend twice a week for 3 months — without fail — and then evaluate my progress. Just like going to the gym, I really believe that as long as I consistently show up, I cannot help but improve.

In his book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle says, “I would say about 80 to 90 percent of most people’s thinking is not only repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful”. As Tolle notes, most people live their lives spending most of the time ruminating about events that occurred in the past, or feeling stress and anxiety about events that may or may not happen in the future. In many ways, this is a total waste of mental energy; while we can sometimes learn from the past, it cannot be changed. And the future, Tolle argues, does not really exist. All that exists right now and the only thing we ever have the power to change is the present. This might seem like a fairly banal observation, but it is actually quite profound.

“Always say yes to the present moment,” says Tolle. “What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to something that already is?”

Does this mean simply accepting whatever hand you are dealt in life, no matter how unhappy you may now be? No.

“Wherever you are, be there totally,” says Tolle. “If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.”

I think Tolle’s philosophy is very relevant to sufferers of social anxiety. Now, you can spend years analyzing your childhood and trying to figure out how you became the person you are today, or who is to blame for your social phobia. But isn’t this really a total waste of your mental energy? You can also spend hours, days and months reading books and forums about social anxiety and imagining how some time in the future you are going to get over the problem. But this is also an escape from the present moment. How about simply accepting your current life situation for what it is. This doesn’t mean that you are resigning yourself to suffering from SA for the rest of your life. It means that your current situation is what it is, and fighting that reality is only going to bring you frustration and pain. Secondly, to the extent that you can take action to work on the problem, start TODAY. Not tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. Not to get morbid, but you may not even be here next year. Who knows.

“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time,” says Tolle. “If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.”

January to March (12 weeks)
1. I will go to the gym and workout three days a week without fail
You may wonder what this has to do with getting over social anxiety, but there are several positive aspects to exercise. Firstly, it is well known that exercise can help reduce your levels of stress and anxiety. Secondly, it gets me out of the house and exposes me to people — even if I am just saying hi to the receptionist in the gym, it all helps build the social muscles as well. I am not in great shape at the moment, and in the past have struggled to remain motivated to regularly exercise. To help create some momentum, I have already paid down 3 months of a gym membership, and I have hired a personal trainer who I will work with once a week, and who will hold me accountable to exercising three days a week.

2. I will attend a public speaking class once every week, without fail
Pubic speaking has always been one of my biggest fears. There is a great guy in New York City who runs a weekly class for people with a fear of public speaking — it is a kind of gentler version of Toastmasters where people can face their fears in a graduated manner. For example, the first few weeks, he may just have you stand up from your seat and answer a few simple questions, while getting used to being the center of attention. Then you will do the same thing standing in front of the group. The following week you may speak for 1 minute about a predetermined topic, etc. About 18 months ago I was taking the class semi regularly and was making some good progress, but for inexplicable reasons, dropped out. This time I have paid down the first 12 weeks classes so that I am locked in to achieving my goals.

3. I will attend one social event every week and practice introducing myself to strangers
Recently I have been browsing the groups in New York city on Meetup.com, and was reminded that there are a huge variety of events in the city going on every week. Whether it’s after-work dining, wine tasting, language exchange or hiking, there is a group holding regular events. I’ve been to some of these events before and found it was a great way to practice meeting people. After all, if you embarrass yourself or say something stupid in a city of 10 million people, who cares? What’s the chance you’re going to meet the person again? So I am setting myself the goal of attending one of these events every week. That’s all. I’m not going to pressure myself to talk to x number of people, or to stay for x hours, just to go. If I make it a habit, I think everything else will slowly, slowly start to fall into place.

April to June (12 weeks)

1. In addition to continuing all of the above, I will join a Toastmasters club and attend every week.
Since public speaking is probably my biggest fear (and the one that I regularly run up against at work, etc), I am stepping up my commitment to it here. Toastmasters is a more challenging experience than the public speaking class I mentioned above — from what I have heard most of the members tend to be professionals and some are already very good at public speaking. There are also regular challenges at the meetings such as “table topics”, where you are asked to make a 1-2 minute impromptu speech about a topic that you do not know in advance. This is the sort of thing that terrifies me. Obviously the benefits of overcoming this fear would be massive.

2. I will strike up a conversation with a total stranger once a day for three months.
Whether it is the checkout girl at the supermarket, the lift operator in the department store, or a cute girl next to me on a park bench, I will habituate myself to talking to strangers. It doesn’t have to be anything spectacular. I will simply say hi and make an observation; if the conversation doesn’t go anywhere after that it’s OK; I am awesome just for making the effort. I got the idea for this exercise from a book by Albert Ellis (the famous psychotherapist who is known as the father of CBT), where he talks about using the method in his college years to overcome a fear of talking to women.

July to December

I will flesh out these goals in more detail as I monitor my progress over the first 6 months of the year. But the general idea is that I should continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and expose myself to more and more social situations. Here are some vague ideas I have at this point. I will probably select one or two of the items below while continuing to consistently work on all the other mini goals I have mentioned above.

1. Take a comedy improv class
Right now the very thought of this terrifies me, which makes me think that setting it as a medium-term goal might not be such a bad idea! I have never taken any kind of acting class, but from what I have heard, improv classes are a great way to help you practice thinking quickly on your feet, losing your fear of saying the wrong thing, and generally developing the ability to say or do something a bit outrageous once in a while. One to consider…

2. Take a dance class
Dance classes are quite popular in NYC. A lot of girls are into tango, salsa, etc, and this is another activity that I have avoided my whole life out of the fear of making a fool of myself. Realistically, hardly anybody goes through life without attending a social function (weddings, etc) where dancing is part of the agenda. Why constantly live in fear of this when you could learn to enjoy it like everybody else seems to??

3. Speed dating
Another challenging activity that would help me get more comfortable talking to women (disclaimer: I have a girlfriend right now. probably a good idea to scrap this goal if we are still together later this year!)

4. Learn a martial art
I have always been intrigued by aikido and wanted to try it. I haven’t, both because of my social anxiety, and because I have generally not been in great shape physically. Another idea to consider…

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So that’s it. I have a systematic plan for overcoming social anxiety that gradually becomes more challenging as the year goes on. While some of the individual items look very challenging to me now, the way I have set it up, I think that as long as I stick to the plan and take consistent action, I can make some really massive positive changes. I feel like I already have some massive momentum on my side, and this feeling will probably grow as the year progresses. It’s going to be a journey, and I’ll continue to share my thoughts on this blog.

If you look at case studies of people who have been successful in making massive positive changes in their lives (whether it’s couch junkie to athlete, nerdy college student to millionnaire, or social phobic to TV host) there are some common themes. Most of these people had a long-term vision, or goal, of where they wanted to get to. They may not have known exactly how they were going to get there, but they set themselves ambitious targets along the way. And they took massive action on multiple fronts to propel themselves towards that longer-term goal. They understood that there would be many setbacks along the way, but that as long as they were heading in the right direction, as long as they kept up the momentum, eventually they would succeed.

And all of this got me thinking about overcoming social anxiety. As I’ve written on this blog, I’ve made good progress in the past toward overcoming my anxiety. But every time I have made significant progress, I have somehow managed to lose momentum and stop short of anywhere near what I would define as a comfortable place. Now I feel like I have some idea why. To begin with, I never clearly defined the goal. Overcoming social anxiety is a wonderful goal, but what exactly does this mean? What level of anxiety is acceptable to you? Secondly, I never clearly defined how I was going to get there, and by when. And thirdly, I never took action on a large enough scale, and with enough focus. I want to examine each of these elements now in turn.

1. DEFINING THE GOAL
I recently set myself the goal of “overcoming social anxiety for good” in 2010. Now what does this mean? My anxiety manifests itself in all sorts of different ways — blushing when I am the center of attention, occasional tremors in my hands, extreme nervousness and tension when speaking in front of people, etc etc. Do I need to eliminate all of these symptoms 100%? No. Do I need to feel no fear or anxiety in any situation at all? No. That would not be a realistic goal, because a certain degree of anxiety is a healthy human trait. My definition of success is to get to the point where I feel relaxed and comfortable in most social situations, where I can be the center of attention without worrying about how I am being judged, and where my fears of social interation are no longer causing me to pass up opportunities in my career and personal life.

2. SETTING THE STRATEGY
Like many sufferers of SA, I have tried all sorts of strategies in the past in an attempt to overcome it. I’ve been to therapists, I’ve read books, I’ve searched the online forums for nuggets of wisdom, and I’ve forced myself time and time again into social situations. Many of these strategies were partially effective. Many of them only reinforced to me what a difficult beast SA is. But when I now look back, I think part of the problem is that I never had a proper plan with concrete goals, targets, and a timeline. My approach was totally haphazard. For example, I would read a book on social anxiety and pick up some good ideas. Perhaps I’d start a diary where I’d record my negative thoughts and practice challenging them with more rational statements. All good stuff. But within a few weeks I’d decide on something else. Perhaps giving up caffeine would help lessen my anxiety. I’d try that too. I’d go through periods of a month or two where I’d force myself to go to every social engagement I was invited to. But with no overall plan in place, any improvements that I made usually quickly faded.

And is that really a surprise? Let’s say you’ve decided to run a marathon six months from now. You’re not going to reach that goal haphazardly. Ideally, you would then come up with a simple strategy for achieving the goal. For example, for the next three months, you will run three times a week. Perhaps you decide on which three days you will run and set that in stone. You might then come up with a plan to gradually escalate the miles that you run each week. And in the final three months you might run only twice a week, but try longer distances, as you gradually build up to being able to run 26 miles. You would know that as long as you had the discipline to stick to that plan, barring an unforseeable accident or injury, you would be guaranteed to reach that goal of being able to run a marathon. Now, obviously overcoming something like social anxiety is a more complicated task, but I think most of us do know what we have to do to get over it. I’ll write more about this later.

3. MASSIVE ACTION ON MULTIPLE FRONTS
I think the third mistake many of us make in battling social anxiety is that our actions are too timid. Social anxiety is a pernicious problem that is not going to go away by itself. Let’s try another analogy. Would the D-Day invasion of Normandy have been successful if the 175,000 troops slowly crawled up the beachfront over several days? No, they would have been slaughtered, and the momentum of the battle would have been totally lost. Instead, the Allies launched a massive coordinated assault with 5,000 ships, naval and aerial bombardments, coordination with the French resistance, etc etc. Sometimes a problem is so big that you need to mobilize all of your resources to overcome it.

Based on the ideas above, I’ve come up with a personal action plan for 2010. Details to come…