One of the most challenging parts of overcoming social anxiety is learning to become a more friendly and sociable person. If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent much of your life avoiding all sorts of social situations, dreading small talk, and avoiding eye contact. These harmful habits become so ingrained in your brain that you do them without even thinking about it. Have you ever been asked why you’re looking so serious? It happens to me regularly, and the crazy thing is that most of the times it happens I’m not even in a particularly bad mood. The way I feel inside and the way I am being perceived by the people around me are totally different. It’s only recently that I’ve become very conscious of what a damaging impact this has.
Let me describe a common experience I have had countless times over my life. I enter a new social environment, like a new job or a class. Initially people are friendly and show great interest in me. But very quickly over time, I sense that people become colder, and after a while, are even avoiding me. No doubt a lot of this was just happening in my head. But as I look back I now realize that was not all. If you are constantly walking around with a frown on your face, you look uptight and serious every time you talk to someone, and you avoid eye contact every time you walk past someone in the office, is it any wonder that they are going to feel a little uncomfortable around you? In other words, your nervousness makes them nervous, a classic vicious circle.
I’ve been really consciously working on this over the past few months now. In every interaction I have, whether its with the cashier in the supermarket, or passing my boss in the office, I try to at the very least smile, make eye contact and say hi. I still feel uncomfortable talking to some people at work, but I have to say I am seeing real benefits already from this practice. Without a doubt the best thing I have done recently though is practice talking to total strangers through meetup.com.
If you’ve never heard of meetup.com, I highly recommend you check it out. It’s basically an online forum where people in cities all over the world form “meetup” groups centered around all sorts of different interests – whether it’s hiking, politics, singles events, or language exchange. If you live in a big city like New York there are literally hundreds of these events going on every week. It’s a fantastic way to practice meeting people. I still can’t believe it, but I went to two different events last weekend, both where I didn’t know a single person. Just six months ago the very thought of this would have been horrifying.
At the first one on Friday night I was a little nervous and didn’t stay that long. But then I got home and told myself that it was a huge step just going out on my own like that. And I decided to go to another event the following day that was more challenging: a bar full of about 100 people. I introduced myself to 4 or 5 people and even spoke to 2 or 3 attractive girls, while I was there. Myself, a random guy, and two girls wound up going to get dinner later, and I stayed out for about 6 hours and had a great time. Unbelievable. The more experiences like this you have the more you start to internalize the notion that if you are willing to take some risks, there are enormous benefits to be had. This is truly life changing stuff.
