Blogging Against Social Anxiety

I’ve made more progress fighting social anxiety over the past 6 months than in the 20 years before that. On top of that, I feel like my progress is coming at a faster and faster rate. So what happened? For years I read all the books, I tried therapy, I forced myself into social engagements, but every time I thought I made a step forward, I would soon be faced with a setback that made me question if it was ever going to be possible. One step forward, two steps backward is how it felt. You’ve probably heard this before, but forcing yourself into high-anxiety situations and just hoping you’ll get used to it rarely works. Exposure only works if it is gradual, and in parallel with that, you start slowly but steadily eliminating the automatic negative thought patterns that have ruled your mind for so long. Here’s a little advice based on my recent experiences.

1. Make a commitment – This is crucial. Make a commitment to yourself that over the coming 6 months, year, or whatever, you will do ABSOLUTELY WHATEVER IT TAKES to overcome, or at least significantly reduce your social anxiety. The reason this is important is that there will ALWAYS be setbacks that will shatter your confidence and make you question whether you are making any progress at all. Look at every setback as a learning experience, and always keep in the back of your mind that the only way you can fail is if you give up and stop trying. In the past, whenever I had a bad experience (let’s say I forced myself to go to a party, was too nervous to talk to anybody and spent the whole night feeling uncomfortable and alone), I would beat myself up for days, look at the experience as PROOF that I was getting nowhere, and as a consequence, AVOID these situations even more. Well, I still have exactly the same type of setbacks occasionally. But now my motto is to get straight back on the horse before I’ve even had time to think about it. If you can overwhelm the setbacks with enough positive experiences then eventually your brain will stop seeing every social situation as such a threat.

2. Make that commitment an absolute priority – If you are really serious about overcoming social anxiety, you might want to think about circumstances in your life that are holding you back. In my case, I was going to night school to get an important qualification that will likely help my career in the long term. But this was something that would require me to study for 25-30 hours a week in addition to my day job, significantly limiting my opportunities to socialize with other people. I decided to postpone the study for a year so I could focus on becoming a more sociable person (more on this below). Finally, the toughest thing I did was break up a long-term relationship that I was quite comfortable in, but was not likely to work out in the long-term, and had become a safety blanket for me that was making it harder to get out and meet new people.

3. Try CBT – While the symptoms of social anxiety can be masked with various drugs, the only really proven way to conquer it in the longer term is cognitive behavioral therapy. From what I have heard, group CBT is often the most effective method, since it gives people the opportunity to work on practicing exposure in a safe environment. Unfortunately such groups are relatively rare. If you can afford it go for one-on-one therapy. Personally the most progress I have made was from working on the Social Anxiety Institute’s audio series “Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step.” Whichever of these you choose, the key is constant practice, reinforcement and repetition. I can tell you from experience that you will see very little results unless you are persistent, continue to practice over several months, and start to apply the principals with gradual exposure out in the real world.

4. Think about taking a public speaking class – Once of the best things I have done over the past 6 months is take a public speaking class. There are organizations like Toastmasters in almost any city. That is probably going to be challenging for a lot of people. Fortunately I found a great class here in NY that teaches public speaking in a very supportive environment to people that have a phobia of getting in front of an audience. The approach is very gradual. The first week you might just introduce yourself to the group sitting down. The next week do the same standing up. A week later, stand up and take a few random questions from people in the group. This week I am due to speak for 2 minutes about a topic that I will receive on the spot. Just 6 months ago I would have been terrified at the very thought of this. I can’t say that I feel relaxed about it now, but I know it’s not going to kill me

5. Become a more social person – This has been the biggest thing for me. Recently I’ve had a fairly profound insight. I always wondered why I had so much difficulty making friends and why people who were initially very friendly to me became cold over time. I realized that, probably like a lot of people with social anxiety, I was walking around with a scowl on my face for most of the day, and by avoiding eye contact and rarely smiling, I was not giving off any friendly vibes to people at all. Nobody wants to hang out with someone that never appears to be having a good time and makes them feel uncomfortable. The tragedy of this is that a lot of us give off this signals even when we are not necessarily in a bad mood, and even when we WANT to be friendly. It’s just the nervousness and anxiety that hold us back. These habits are often very ingrained and have been with us for decades. So it’s totally unrealistic to think you can change them overnight. But I’ve found that with small efforts every day, you can start to see some really significant results, even in the space of a few months. At first it’s not going to feel natural, so as they say, “fake it till you make it.” Practice smiling in front of the mirror every morning. Smile to people as you walk past them on the street and lock eyes for a few seconds. If that’s a big step, just do this to one or two people a day. Say “good morning” with a smile to people you pass in the office as you enter in the morning. If you get stuck in the elevator with one other person, instead of waiting out the uncomfortable silence, just make a mundane comment about the weather. You don’t have to get in deep conversations or say anything funny or profound. Just practice saying hi and being proactive. After even just a few weeks of practicing this consistently, you’ll be surprised how it starts to come out more naturally, and also at the positive reaction you get from people.

6. Accept all invitations – I wouldn’t give this advice to anyone that hasn’t worked on (5) for a while yet, but recently I have made a commitment to accept all social invitations (parties, after work drinks, lunch, etc) unless I have a reasonable excuse not to go. In the past my default was the total opposite. I would immediately think of 100 excuses why I couldn’t go. I was too tired, I didn’t know anybody there, I was busy, it was too hot or cold to go out, or I was going to make a fool of myself in some way. Well, all that kind of thinking is going to do is reinforce the negative spiral of social anxiety. Recently I’ve been getting out to a lot more events. And I’ve been amazed at the interesting people I’ve met, and struck by the realization that by avoiding social gatherings for so long I have missed out on a huge number of opportunities. Well, no more. I’m not saying I feel comfortable in these situations yet. I still have my share of bad days when the last thing I want to do is interact with people. But now at least, it feels like three steps forward, two steps backward. Over time that will carry you a long way forward.

7 . Forget about the past – The past doesn’t matter. I spent years reading books and articles about social anxiety trying to work out how on earth I got this problem, thinking that this knowledge might help me get over it. Well you know what? It really doesn’t matter. Maybe you didn’t have a happy childhood. Maybe you were bullied at high school. Maybe you were kidnapped by aliens from the planet Social Anxiety. So what. The past is the past and the present starts today. All that matters now is doing what you have to do to get over this debilitating problem. Endless analysis and reflection about the past has never worked for you before and it never will.

To summarize all of the above, as Yoda said in the Empire Strikes Back: “Do or do not. There is no try.”